I chuckled as I read these words in the journal entry written on January 1, 2015; “I resolve to see my deliverance or die trying!!!”
I had written in big, bold capital letters that 2015 will be THE YEAR of DELIVERANCE.
Just under it I had listed ten goals for the year.
The first eight became incorporated into my daily to-do list. Writing everyday was on the list. I have met that goal with a few exceptions when life got crazy.
Numbers nine and ten were the real attention getters.
- Mortify indwelling sin-gluttony, greed, pride.
- Lose thirty pounds.
Hmmmm…those were lofty goals!!!
I had struggled with disordered eating most of my life. When I was sixteen, I lost fifty pounds and stepped into the world of bulimia. A horrible world of self-induced vomiting, daily laxative consumption, diuretic pills, obsessive exercise, and extreme self-loathing and fear.
As I aged, entered adulthood with all the responsibilities, and became a mother, my disordered eating shifted gears. I became an emotional overeater who never found satisfaction in food. I was driven to eat food, especially of the sugar laden variety, like an addict looking for a fix.
I swung like a pendulum from one diet to another thinking this new diet was the magic bullet, the one that would make all things click. I was entrenched in a cycle of failure.
My desperation led me to a place spiritually that I had never expected. Remember the two years of back -sliding that I mentioned in the post on Thursday, January 7, 2015? That back-sliding was a direct result of becoming involved with a diet program that interlaced a religious faith that led me away from a life giving, lifesaving relationship with Christ.
In my desperation I did not see the dangerous teaching that permeated every thought and action. The diet portion of the teaching worked because it was simple calorie reduction. However, there was no regard for nutrition. But in my desperation, I just wanted to lose weight and that was all that mattered.
Desperation is scary.
Desperation drove Sarai to hand Hagar to her husband to produce a child. (Gen. 16:2)
Desperation drove Esau to trade his birthright for stew. (Gen. 25:30)
Desperation drove Isaac to deceive his father for a blessing. (Gen 27)
I’m excited to say that the year 2015 did live up to the name I had given it. It was “The Year of Deliverance” in the area of my life long struggle with disordered eating.
I’m looking forward to sharing what that looks like in my life now and how it happened on Thursday.
See you then!